The Glad Game

I was re-reading my last post and realized how depressing it was and how selfish it sounded. I was going to post on Sunday (30 weeks!!!!) but as usual, I've been busy. I had a sad day Saturday, I guess. I was getting angry watching these people leave the hospital with their babies like it wasn't a big deal and irritated with people who keep complaining about the most ridiculous things I've ever heard.

 But the truth is, I thank God every night that I made it another day, the past couple of days I notice I even do it every hour or so. I feel so bad for complaining about being here and worrying about my babies when I see women on these momo sites wishing they had made it this far, wishing they could be at home with their other children, praying for the survival of their one remaining momo, or the worst- wishing they still had both of their babies. As my aunt said, who had my cousin at 23 weeks, "I would have hung by my feet if it meant I could get to 30 weeks".

So, growing up, my grandfather who recently passed away, would tell me whenever I was upset about something, to play "The Glad Game"- yes, the one from Pollyanna. Monday night I had to lay on my back for almost 4 hours for the heart rate strips because they thought one of the babies had a deceleration in heart rate. It was so painful, but I was afraid to move in fear that one of the boys would come off the monitor and I'd have to do it longer. I was frustrated, exhausted, irritable and a mess. And in all its cheesiness, I made myself play the Glad Game. I was glad I wasn't on bedrest, like so many of the women in the high risk unit are; I was glad my babies were still alive; I was glad I was 30 weeks; I was glad my husband was staying with me; and I was glad I didn't have any children at home- on Sunday night a child of the woman in the room next to mine cried desperately as she was leaving, "I want Mommy to come home", it was the most heartbreaking thing. And as irritated I was at the doctors and nurses that night, because they just came in and took me off the monitors like it was nothing to lay there that long at such an awkward angle; I was glad the next day when I had some sleep that they were being cautious of the situation. (My doctor was supposedly not happy about the whole thing).

It is getting more and more painful to get in these positions for the heart rate strips, and to move period. But I will continue to do what I have to do. I'm 30 weeks and 3 days today..... and I made it to February! B failed the biophysical profile again yesterday because he wouldn't breathe, but he breathed the entire time I was having the dopplers done today (everyone thinks B is going to take after me). A weighs 2lb 15oz. and B weighs 3lb 13oz. Last night they said I was having more contractions, but I didn't feel them, BUT my whole body hurt like crazy anyway, so who knows.

I'm still getting more and more nervous each day. I signed the consent forms for the C-section yesterday, so that made the whole situation really REAL. I've had tons of visitors everyday and my husband continues to be wonderful.